I Want George Clooney!

“Look, Bob. I’ve already told you I’m playing myself in Appalachian Teacher. I had it put in the contract. Chelsea’s a lawyer, remember?”

Mielssa McCarthyBob looks uncomfortable and tries to reply persuasively,”Melissa McCarthy has already agreed. She’s a big name now. She’d be just right for your snarky sense of humor, and… and, well,…”

“And, what, Bob? Spit it out.”

Bob and Myra exchange panicked looks.

In my dangerously calm voice, I ask, “You mean that we’re both… Rubenesque, don’t you, Bob?

“Huh? Sure.”

Shaking my head at Bob’s stupidity, I press on, “Well, she doesn’t sing, and the musical numbers are a big part of the film. Stephen Sondheim wrote them especially for me. So stop suggesting that someone else play me in the story of my life! I’m me; that’s it. Let’s move on.”

Bob looks uncomfortably at his assistant Myra. “We need to get a contract signed today for whomever is playing your husband Carl.”

“That’s whoever.”

Bob exchanges a confused look with Myra, who is clearly as confused as he is. “What?”

“You said whomever; you should have said ‘whoever is playing your husband’ because whoever is the nominative, and–”

Impatiently, Bob says, “I don’t care.”

In a deceptive light tone, I say, “OK. That’s fine. Let’s get back to finalizing who will play Carl.”

Colm Meaney, chief O'BrienBob and Myra both look quite proud. “We have Colm Meaney all lined up and ready to go. We know you guys are Trekkies! The hair is perfect!”

I smile and tilt my head curiously. “Well, let’s see. Carl isn’t Irish. Meaney is ten years too old. And I’m not marrying Chief O’Brien. You are right on one point, though, Carl’s hair is just like his.  Bob, we’ve already had this discussion; I want George Clooney! It has to be George Clooney!” Am I turning into a diva already? Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Signing in frustration, Bob answers, “Listen, honey, everybody wants Clooney. You know, he didn’t even sing in O, george clooneyBrother, Where Art Thou

“I don’t care. I’m the one doing the singing in the movie. All he has to do is act. And be handsome like Carl. Carl has that George Clooney look. I want my life story to have verisimilitude! If that means doing love scenes with George Clooney, then that’s what it means. Have you even asked him?

Hesitating, as if fearing divine retribution, Bob finally admits, “No.”

“Fine, then. I’m sure he will be thrilled to be in such a quality project. Now, did you get Sigourney Weaver for my mom?”

Sigourney Weaverfrank langellaWearily, “Yes.”Jennifer Lawrence

“Frank Langella for my dad?”

Sighing, “Yes.”

“Jennifer Lawrence for Chelsea?”

Beginning to get impatient, “Yes.”

Dale Dickey“Did you get Dale Dicky for… well, we had to change her name, but for the hateful, ungrateful student? And remember, I want Ms Dickey to look just like she did when she played Patty the Daytime Hooker on My Name is Earl. The resemblance is really uncanny. heh heh heh.

“Yes. And we did explained that. She felt a bit old for the role, but we told her that you wanted to get across that a life of evil aged one prematurely.”

“Whoa! Great spin, Bob! Now get out there and work that magic on George Clooney! I’m going to go rehearse my songs.”

I had fun in this casting meeting for the movie version of my life as suggested by The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ready for Your Close-up.”

Carl Rains
Just tell me he doesn’t have that Clooney look going on!


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